[At Left: A coyote, subject of yesterday's dramatic CNN.com story "Coyote enters Chicago Quiznos sandwich shop; lies down in cooler."]
Do you guys ever read CNN.com? You would never know there was a war going on everday in Iraq if you did. But that's not even the point.
CNN.com is so oddly not-newsy that its headlines verge on the surreal. Even Betty's favorite section, Arts & Entertainment, is no good at covering either Art OR gossip. Yesterday they had an article/interview about how Hillary Duff feels pressure to be thin. That is not a story, CNN.com! Make some Hollywood contacts for crying out loud! Sheesh.
Today's top A&E stories are not much better:
• EW review: 'Reaping' a bad movie
• Who will be the next host of 'The Price Is Right'?
I will not even explicate the humorous role played by the modifier "a" in the former, and let you draw your own conclusions.
BUT! these headlines do become their own special form of entertainment once you've accepted that all you're going to read at CNN.com are these side-splitting (and this has got to be intentional, right? RIGHT?!?) one-liners. Betty imagines a cult of campy headline fans out there just waiting for CNN.com to add new faux-naive zingers by the hour.
Today, under "U.S." news we face:
• CNN shooting highlights safety in public workplaces
• Lost dog found four years later, 1,100 miles from home
• Veteran files claim after wrong testicle removed
And in "Business" headlines we learn:
• Ford CEO: $28M for 4 months work
• Pimp my jet: A mansion with wings
The crowning glory of CNN.com headlines-as-art, however, are the "Most Popular Videos". Betty was introduced to this crazy list last summer, when these were the most popular news videos at CNN.com:
1. Making millions between classes (2:57)
2. How do you hide a painted whale? (1:36)
3. Judge rules lettuce can be litter (1:48)
4. Moving house (1:09)
5. Giant lizards invade Florida (2:17)
6. KABOOM! (1:04)
And just yesterday, the headlines were nearly as grand:
1. Coyote in Quiznos (1:34)
2. This is what meth does (2:23)
3. Hungry robber returns for food (2:04)
4. Woman accused of faking AIDS (1:13)
The moral of the story: Re-adjust your expectations and you'll find art all around you.